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Okay, so it's that time of year when the catalogs start to pour over the transom in a cascade of glossy paper, reminding me that a thousand trees died to provide me with a good laugh. Trees who are about to die, we salute you. Where to begin... that is the question: the J. Peterman Company? Something called MacKenzie-Childs, a purveyor of outrageously overpriced ceramics and glassware? Isabella, with its "gifts for reawakening the spirit?" Or the ever-amusing American Girls catalog, which used to be sacred in my household, but now that my daughters have way outgrown its charms, is just for snicks-and-grins?
Decisions, decisions. So let's go for the low-hanging fruit... American Girls.
I confess to having a closet stacked with storage boxes of these dolls and their accessories (saving them for the grandkids, you know). My daughters found many hours of amusement playing with these lovely things, even into their adolescence, when they descended into mockery and condescension, which reached its ultimate expression in the creation of a monumental movie, appropriately entitled "The Tragedy," which starred their brace of dolls, a trio of the dolls' dogs, and the nefarious "Betty Loo," who was a doll of a doll (yes, a doll owned and played with by a doll). Don't ask - it's complicated.
Decisions, decisions. So let's go for the low-hanging fruit... American Girls.
I confess to having a closet stacked with storage boxes of these dolls and their accessories (saving them for the grandkids, you know). My daughters found many hours of amusement playing with these lovely things, even into their adolescence, when they descended into mockery and condescension, which reached its ultimate expression in the creation of a monumental movie, appropriately entitled "The Tragedy," which starred their brace of dolls, a trio of the dolls' dogs, and the nefarious "Betty Loo," who was a doll of a doll (yes, a doll owned and played with by a doll). Don't ask - it's complicated.
Now I haven't perused one of these catalogs in years -- I find it hard to believe the company even found us here at our relatively new address, but to my shock, I discovered that my daughter's first American Girl doll, the original, Felicity Merriman from 1774, has been put out to pasture! And her historical compadres, Kirsten Larsen (Prairie Girl from 1854) and Samantha Parkington (Edwardian maiden from 1904) are also "archived," in the words of the American Girl Company, subsidiary of Mattel.
Instead we are now offered Julie Albright, a "fun-loving girl growing up in San Francisco during the seventies." Oh please, a hippie child in bell-bottoms replacing the redoubtable, pre-Revolutionary War girl? And what kinds of accessories will they be selling with her? Bongs and acid tabs?
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Okay, so this has nothing to do with writing and reading... but doesn't everything really have to do with writing and reading and being an informed citizen? This is outrageous!
Let him pay for his own #$%@#$%$ kidney transplant!
Let him pay for his own #$%@#$%$ kidney transplant!
Former hedge fund manager Raj Rajaratnam was convicted of insider trading and is headed for prison. Taxpayers will probably have to pay for his kidney transplant
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No time to ramble on today -- but the advent of Siri, the voice-activated software on the just-released iPhone 4S, screams for a comment. Okay, so now people don't want talk to other people on their phones, they would rather just send a text. But they do want to talk to... their phone itself?
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Someone's comment on the previous post. How could I possibly exclude the works of the master of chilly scenes of autumn: Edgar Allan Poe? Oops, I forgot... or, I was planning on devoting a special post entirely to him. You decide.
Top five stories from Mr. Poe:
The Black Cat: a drunk man kills his cat and it comes back to haunt him. (Hell on earth... this from an owner of three of the little monsters.)
The Fall of the House of Usher: no, not the tale of a wildly successful R&B singer... a creepy dude lives in a haunted house. (Yep, a classic.)
The Imp of the Perverse: a murderer struggles against the urge to confess his crime. Contains a fabulous passage about procrastination:
"We have a task before us which must be speedily performed. We know that it will be ruinous to make delay. The most important crisis of our life calls, trumpet-tongued, for immediate energy and action. We glow, we are consumed with eagerness to commence the work, with the anticipation of whose glorious result our whole souls are on fire. It must, it shall be undertaken to-day, and yet we put it off until to-morrow, and why? There is no answer, except that we feel perverse, using the word with no comprehension of the principle. To-morrow arrives, and with it a more impatient anxiety to do our duty, but with this very increase of anxiety arrives, also, a nameless, a positively fearful, because unfathomable, craving for delay. This craving gathers strength as the moments fly. The last hour for action is at hand. We tremble with the violence of the conflict within us, -- of the definite with the indefinite -- of the substance with the shadow. But, if the contest have proceeded thus far, it is the shadow which prevails, -- we struggle in vain. The clock strikes, and is the knell of our welfare. At the same time, it is the chanticleer -- note to the ghost that has so long overawed us. It flies -- it disappears -- we are free. The old energy returns. We will labor now. Alas, it is too late!"
The Tell-Tale Heart: another murderer haunted to the point of madness by his crime.
William Wilson: The narrator, who calls himself William Wilson, describes events of his childhood and adolescence and the rivalry between himself and another person named William Wilson. As the tale unwinds, we learn of numerous similarities between the two Wilsons. Are they twin brothers? or something else? Creepy!!
Top five stories from Mr. Poe:
The Black Cat: a drunk man kills his cat and it comes back to haunt him. (Hell on earth... this from an owner of three of the little monsters.)
The Fall of the House of Usher: no, not the tale of a wildly successful R&B singer... a creepy dude lives in a haunted house. (Yep, a classic.)
The Imp of the Perverse: a murderer struggles against the urge to confess his crime. Contains a fabulous passage about procrastination:
"We have a task before us which must be speedily performed. We know that it will be ruinous to make delay. The most important crisis of our life calls, trumpet-tongued, for immediate energy and action. We glow, we are consumed with eagerness to commence the work, with the anticipation of whose glorious result our whole souls are on fire. It must, it shall be undertaken to-day, and yet we put it off until to-morrow, and why? There is no answer, except that we feel perverse, using the word with no comprehension of the principle. To-morrow arrives, and with it a more impatient anxiety to do our duty, but with this very increase of anxiety arrives, also, a nameless, a positively fearful, because unfathomable, craving for delay. This craving gathers strength as the moments fly. The last hour for action is at hand. We tremble with the violence of the conflict within us, -- of the definite with the indefinite -- of the substance with the shadow. But, if the contest have proceeded thus far, it is the shadow which prevails, -- we struggle in vain. The clock strikes, and is the knell of our welfare. At the same time, it is the chanticleer -- note to the ghost that has so long overawed us. It flies -- it disappears -- we are free. The old energy returns. We will labor now. Alas, it is too late!"
The Tell-Tale Heart: another murderer haunted to the point of madness by his crime.
William Wilson: The narrator, who calls himself William Wilson, describes events of his childhood and adolescence and the rivalry between himself and another person named William Wilson. As the tale unwinds, we learn of numerous similarities between the two Wilsons. Are they twin brothers? or something else? Creepy!!
3 roses and half a bottle of cognac, anyone?
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Autumn has truly descended upon our northern climes (this week is starting to feel more like mid-November -- but perhaps we are spoiled by last week's glorious last-gasp of summer). As the chill settles with the dying leaves, one's thoughts may turn to decline and fall of civilization as we know it... or one may find diversion in a good ghost story and other tales that celebrate the macabre. So here is a list, in no particular order, of some of my favorites:
The October Country by Ray Bradbury: a short story collection that fascinates with its exploration of childhood loss ("The Lake"), paranoia ("Skeleton"), the dark side of the carnival ("The Dwarf"), and fear of infants ("The Small Assassin.") You can't go wrong with any book that contains descriptive language such as this:
The October Country by Ray Bradbury: a short story collection that fascinates with its exploration of childhood loss ("The Lake"), paranoia ("Skeleton"), the dark side of the carnival ("The Dwarf"), and fear of infants ("The Small Assassin.") You can't go wrong with any book that contains descriptive language such as this:
“That country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain.”
Dracula by Bram Stoker: The classic vampire story. Just thinking about re-reading the scene in which Jonathan Harker finds himself in a carriage hurtling along the winding passages of Transylvania gives me chills... and that haunting phrase "Denn die Todten reiten schnell" - ("For the dead travel fast").
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving: I have an audio version of this narrated by Glenn Close (from the Rabbit Ears recording series) that is simply mesmerizing. You can hear the crackling leaves, the menacing hoofbeats and smell the fog rising from the fields... all through the power of her incredible voice.
Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice: Their side of the story... told with elegance, wit and, of course, quantities of blood. New Orleans never seemed so luscious as when seen through the eyes of Louis, Lestat and Claudia, that unholy trinity...
Carrie by Stephen King: The Master of Creep... he writes a lot longer now... but he doesn't tell a story any better than he did in this creepy, bloody, soaked in the '70s tale of the tragedies that happen when high school bullying meets telekinetic powers.
The Horla by Guy de Maupassant: for a short story that was published in 1887, this chilling tale has a surprisingly modern theme of vampiric possession by an evil alien intelligence. But we are not talking little green men descending from the skies or Transformers transforming. This malevolent force comes from some unknown dimension to establish its reign of terror. Major shudders from the reader ensue!
The Nine Billion Names of God by Arthur C. Clarke: This short science fiction story from 1954 is an engrossing doomsday tale that sucks you in with its run-of-the-mill descriptions of the Tibetan monks going about the business of listing all the possible names, including enlisting a computer and two Western programmers to help expedite the process, with the belief that the Universe will end when the task is achieved. The scientists are skeptics, but go along for the pay. The real kicker, of course, comes at the end, as the Westerners are flying back home... they notice "that overhead, without any fuss, the stars were going out." How masterful to end it all with a whisper, rather than a shout...
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The Latin saying goes De mortuis nihil nisi bonum, "of the dead, speak no evil." But here's an article that speaks to the truth about the late Steve Jobs and Apple. I don't particularly care that he was a bit of a tyrant and could be downright nasty to his employees. As far as the totalitarian control of his products, I guess he thought of it as quality control, rather than obsessive rigidity. The planned obsolescence factor of Apple does bother me (products that have a shelf-life of nine months or less before the next big "upgrade" comes along). But of particular concern to me is the child labor abuses in China -- when I think of all the American school districts clamoring to buy iPads for their young students. What everyone is too polite to say about Steve.
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The link to the following blog post came over the transom courtesy of ISLMA (the Illinois School Library Media Association) listserv:
10 Things I Hate About the Library
And being a school librarian who works with young children every day, I of course felt the need to reply, measure for measure, ala Liz Phair to the Rolling Stones, Exile in Guyville to Exile on Main Street:
1. The Stress: Oh please. With free access to books and CDs, and minimal (if any) fees on DVDs, the library is a bargain that is worth the time, effort and stress to help children keep track of their borrowings. Try using a designated book bag; teach children to keep their library books in a special place (nightstand, corner of the bedroom, chair) when they are not reading them. This is an organizational skill they will need early on in school and use 4-EVER!
2. Late and Replacement Fees: a small price to pay. See above suggestions. Always get a checkout receipt and post it somewhere prominent -- refrigerator, calendar, front door, garage door.
3. The Grossness: exposure to germs can be a good thing -- builds the immune system. And, believe it or not, librarians do wipe down books and/or pull them out of circulation as necessary. Your little darling will not catch the flu or dysentery checking out a library book.
4. Keeping Kids Quiet: Again, oh please. Stereotype! The majority of libraries have designated children's areas and I have never seen a posted "Quiet Zone" in any of them.
5. Keeping Kids Still: Children's librarians expect some noise and exuberance. We have been known to dance in the aisles ourselves upon finishing a particularly excellent book -- Scaredy Squirrel or a classic Dr. Seuss, anyone? As long as the children are not hurting themselves or putting others in danger, I think you are okay with movement. Sorry, but we do draw the line at bungee-jumping off the top of the shelving units.
6. The Books My Kids Choose: Well, kids are generally receptive to guidance in this area. But the deaths of pets and divorce are facts of life and reading about these sad circumstances allow children to experience the emotions surrounding these events safely and/or find comfort and confirmation in a fictional character's response.
10 Things I Hate About the Library
And being a school librarian who works with young children every day, I of course felt the need to reply, measure for measure, ala Liz Phair to the Rolling Stones, Exile in Guyville to Exile on Main Street:
1. The Stress: Oh please. With free access to books and CDs, and minimal (if any) fees on DVDs, the library is a bargain that is worth the time, effort and stress to help children keep track of their borrowings. Try using a designated book bag; teach children to keep their library books in a special place (nightstand, corner of the bedroom, chair) when they are not reading them. This is an organizational skill they will need early on in school and use 4-EVER!
2. Late and Replacement Fees: a small price to pay. See above suggestions. Always get a checkout receipt and post it somewhere prominent -- refrigerator, calendar, front door, garage door.
3. The Grossness: exposure to germs can be a good thing -- builds the immune system. And, believe it or not, librarians do wipe down books and/or pull them out of circulation as necessary. Your little darling will not catch the flu or dysentery checking out a library book.
4. Keeping Kids Quiet: Again, oh please. Stereotype! The majority of libraries have designated children's areas and I have never seen a posted "Quiet Zone" in any of them.
5. Keeping Kids Still: Children's librarians expect some noise and exuberance. We have been known to dance in the aisles ourselves upon finishing a particularly excellent book -- Scaredy Squirrel or a classic Dr. Seuss, anyone? As long as the children are not hurting themselves or putting others in danger, I think you are okay with movement. Sorry, but we do draw the line at bungee-jumping off the top of the shelving units.
6. The Books My Kids Choose: Well, kids are generally receptive to guidance in this area. But the deaths of pets and divorce are facts of life and reading about these sad circumstances allow children to experience the emotions surrounding these events safely and/or find comfort and confirmation in a fictional character's response.
As for farting, well, it is a natural process and two absolute favorites on this topic are Walter, the Farting Dog and the based-on-a-true-story Fartiste. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And
have you seen what's playing at the multiplex lately? The gross-out, "adult" humor in the movie of Judd Apatow should be so entertaining as these children's books!
7. The Smell: This blogger must be going to a really old library. Well, sorry. Would she prefer the formaldehyde-laced scent of a Glade Plug-In?
8. The Scowling Librarian: Oh PLEASE! STEREOTYPE!! CLICHE!!! I could say "nuff said," but I shall continue.
have you seen what's playing at the multiplex lately? The gross-out, "adult" humor in the movie of Judd Apatow should be so entertaining as these children's books!
7. The Smell: This blogger must be going to a really old library. Well, sorry. Would she prefer the formaldehyde-laced scent of a Glade Plug-In?
8. The Scowling Librarian: Oh PLEASE! STEREOTYPE!! CLICHE!!! I could say "nuff said," but I shall continue.
Children's librarians are some of the most patient and friendly people you'll ever meet. It is a requirement of employment that you be cheerful, kind, patient, helpful ... sort of like Mary Poppins without the spoonful of sugar and the flying umbrella.
9. The Lack of a Starbucks: So while she's off sipping her coffee at Barnes and Noble, where are the kiddies? Tearing up the picture book aisle? Knocking over the New Nonfiction displays?
10. Reading. Hmmmmmm... I guess I will tackle this "other post" later... for "tomorrow is another day!"
9. The Lack of a Starbucks: So while she's off sipping her coffee at Barnes and Noble, where are the kiddies? Tearing up the picture book aisle? Knocking over the New Nonfiction displays?
10. Reading. Hmmmmmm... I guess I will tackle this "other post" later... for "tomorrow is another day!"
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Steve Jobs: visionary, innovator, dreamer, 1955-2011
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Did they get the joke or were they just clueless? You decide.
Recent novel pitch to a literary agent:
Horizontal in the Dark: This novel tells the story of the disintegration of a Los Angeles family, the Morgenthalers. Richard Morgenthaler is an alcoholic lawyer in his early 50s who once had political ambitions. His wife, Jennifer, is the daughter of wealth. They have two daughters: Ashley, who is mentally-impaired and disabled, and Britney, beautiful and intelligent and doomed. Ashley is Jennifer's favorite; Richard forgets she even exists. Britney is the target of Jennifer's powerful loathing and Richard's overbearing affection ... if it can be called that. Richard and Jennifer have an awful marriage, marked by recriminations, bitterness and fear. For a time, Richard finds solace in his mistress, Tracie Hatchett. Hounding them all is a foreboding sense of godlessness. The immediate setting is Britney's funeral, after her suicide. But the conflicts between the narcissistic, alcoholic father and the emotionally disturbed mother, the hate between mother and daughter, and the near incestuous love of the father for Britney - all contributors to the characters' disillusionment and the suicide itself - are unfolded in flashbacks. Though the story is told in third person, the final section is an intense monologue recited by Britney before she flings herself off a cliff on the Palos Verdes peninsula.
Agent's reply:
Dear Author,
Thank you for contacting ******* about representation. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you representation at this time. Due to the large number of submissions ******* receives, ***** is forced to be extremely selective when considering new clients. After reflection, we don’t feel that this is a perfect fit for **********’s list. Publishing is very subjective, however, and another agent may well feel differently.
I sincerely apologize for the impersonal nature of this reply—we receive hundreds of submissions a month.
Thank you again for thinking of *************. We wish you all the best of luck in the future.
Reality? The pitch was the plot summary for William Styron's debut novel, Lie Down in Darkness, which was critically acclaimed when it was published in 1951 and won the Prix de Rome from the American Academy in Rome, a prestigious literary award.
Guess it wouldn't get published today.
Recent novel pitch to a literary agent:
Horizontal in the Dark: This novel tells the story of the disintegration of a Los Angeles family, the Morgenthalers. Richard Morgenthaler is an alcoholic lawyer in his early 50s who once had political ambitions. His wife, Jennifer, is the daughter of wealth. They have two daughters: Ashley, who is mentally-impaired and disabled, and Britney, beautiful and intelligent and doomed. Ashley is Jennifer's favorite; Richard forgets she even exists. Britney is the target of Jennifer's powerful loathing and Richard's overbearing affection ... if it can be called that. Richard and Jennifer have an awful marriage, marked by recriminations, bitterness and fear. For a time, Richard finds solace in his mistress, Tracie Hatchett. Hounding them all is a foreboding sense of godlessness. The immediate setting is Britney's funeral, after her suicide. But the conflicts between the narcissistic, alcoholic father and the emotionally disturbed mother, the hate between mother and daughter, and the near incestuous love of the father for Britney - all contributors to the characters' disillusionment and the suicide itself - are unfolded in flashbacks. Though the story is told in third person, the final section is an intense monologue recited by Britney before she flings herself off a cliff on the Palos Verdes peninsula.
Agent's reply:
Dear Author,
Thank you for contacting ******* about representation. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you representation at this time. Due to the large number of submissions ******* receives, ***** is forced to be extremely selective when considering new clients. After reflection, we don’t feel that this is a perfect fit for **********’s list. Publishing is very subjective, however, and another agent may well feel differently.
I sincerely apologize for the impersonal nature of this reply—we receive hundreds of submissions a month.
Thank you again for thinking of *************. We wish you all the best of luck in the future.
Reality? The pitch was the plot summary for William Styron's debut novel, Lie Down in Darkness, which was critically acclaimed when it was published in 1951 and won the Prix de Rome from the American Academy in Rome, a prestigious literary award.
Guess it wouldn't get published today.
Critically acclaimed? Maybe... but just not right for my "list" today.
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Clued in or clueless? You decide.
Synopsis provided to literary agent:
The Flipside of Heaven chronicles the life of Justin Loutman from his childhood up through his early twenties. Born the son of a wealthy and sophisticated woman, Alexis, Justin travels the country with his mother until he attends the St. Blaine Academy prep school in a tony North Shore suburb of Chicago. He is handsome, quite intelligent, though lazy in his schoolwork, and, through his mother’s connections, he earns admission to the University of Chicago. Though initially concerned with being a success on campus, after failing a class, he gives himself over to idleness; he prefers to learn through reading and discussions with friends than through his classes. Toward the end of his college career, America is at first shattered, then united by the event of September 11, 2001. When his country enters into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Justin, seized by patriotism, enlists, forgoing his degree. During his tour of duty, Alexis dies. Upon his return to America, Justin meets the young reality show star and minor celebrity, Kendra McClarren, the sister of his college friend, Trip. The two fall in love, but because of the stock market crash and his family's poor investments, Justin has little money, and Kendra does not wish to marry a slacker without the means to contribute support to her chosen life style. Despite Justin's best efforts to earn money at an Internet start-up music-sharing site, Kendra breaks off their engagement in order to marry a wealthier man, devastating Justin. He goes on a three-week coke and alcohol binge, which is finally terminated by his arrest for public indecency.
Justin's quest for self-knowledge begins. He has a short summer romance with the wild Kaitlyn. Soon after, Trip is caught up in a scandal involving the underaged daughter of a Chicago politician, and Justin takes the blame. Justin then discovers that his last close tie, the dear friend of his mother and his father figure, Dr. Gerson, has passed away. Further, the recession and collapse of the Internet start-up have left him almost no money. After attending the funeral in Wisconsin, he decides to hitchhike back to the University of Chicago to try to start again. As he stumbles through the North Shore he is picked up along the way by the wealthy father of a friend who died in Iraq. Justin expounds his new socialist principles and then continues to walk to the university. He arrives late at night, pining for Kendra. Justin reaches his hands to the sky, realizing he knows nothing but himself.
Agent's response:
Thank you for thinking of me with your query for THE FLIPSIDE OF HEAVEN. While this sounds like a strong project, I'm afraid it doesn't strike me as a likely fit with me and my particular editorial contacts. I wish you well in finding the right agent for your work.
Reality: This is essentially a plot summary of F. Scott Fitzgerald's first novel, This Side of Paradise.
Guess it just doesn't fit that old list.
Synopsis provided to literary agent:
The Flipside of Heaven chronicles the life of Justin Loutman from his childhood up through his early twenties. Born the son of a wealthy and sophisticated woman, Alexis, Justin travels the country with his mother until he attends the St. Blaine Academy prep school in a tony North Shore suburb of Chicago. He is handsome, quite intelligent, though lazy in his schoolwork, and, through his mother’s connections, he earns admission to the University of Chicago. Though initially concerned with being a success on campus, after failing a class, he gives himself over to idleness; he prefers to learn through reading and discussions with friends than through his classes. Toward the end of his college career, America is at first shattered, then united by the event of September 11, 2001. When his country enters into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Justin, seized by patriotism, enlists, forgoing his degree. During his tour of duty, Alexis dies. Upon his return to America, Justin meets the young reality show star and minor celebrity, Kendra McClarren, the sister of his college friend, Trip. The two fall in love, but because of the stock market crash and his family's poor investments, Justin has little money, and Kendra does not wish to marry a slacker without the means to contribute support to her chosen life style. Despite Justin's best efforts to earn money at an Internet start-up music-sharing site, Kendra breaks off their engagement in order to marry a wealthier man, devastating Justin. He goes on a three-week coke and alcohol binge, which is finally terminated by his arrest for public indecency.
Justin's quest for self-knowledge begins. He has a short summer romance with the wild Kaitlyn. Soon after, Trip is caught up in a scandal involving the underaged daughter of a Chicago politician, and Justin takes the blame. Justin then discovers that his last close tie, the dear friend of his mother and his father figure, Dr. Gerson, has passed away. Further, the recession and collapse of the Internet start-up have left him almost no money. After attending the funeral in Wisconsin, he decides to hitchhike back to the University of Chicago to try to start again. As he stumbles through the North Shore he is picked up along the way by the wealthy father of a friend who died in Iraq. Justin expounds his new socialist principles and then continues to walk to the university. He arrives late at night, pining for Kendra. Justin reaches his hands to the sky, realizing he knows nothing but himself.
Agent's response:
Thank you for thinking of me with your query for THE FLIPSIDE OF HEAVEN. While this sounds like a strong project, I'm afraid it doesn't strike me as a likely fit with me and my particular editorial contacts. I wish you well in finding the right agent for your work.
Reality: This is essentially a plot summary of F. Scott Fitzgerald's first novel, This Side of Paradise.
Guess it just doesn't fit that old list.
Well, hey, after all, it's not a paranormal romance! Just a bad one...