- Published on
The link to the following blog post came over the transom courtesy of ISLMA (the Illinois School Library Media Association) listserv:
10 Things I Hate About the Library
And being a school librarian who works with young children every day, I of course felt the need to reply, measure for measure, ala Liz Phair to the Rolling Stones, Exile in Guyville to Exile on Main Street:
1. The Stress: Oh please. With free access to books and CDs, and minimal (if any) fees on DVDs, the library is a bargain that is worth the time, effort and stress to help children keep track of their borrowings. Try using a designated book bag; teach children to keep their library books in a special place (nightstand, corner of the bedroom, chair) when they are not reading them. This is an organizational skill they will need early on in school and use 4-EVER!
2. Late and Replacement Fees: a small price to pay. See above suggestions. Always get a checkout receipt and post it somewhere prominent -- refrigerator, calendar, front door, garage door.
3. The Grossness: exposure to germs can be a good thing -- builds the immune system. And, believe it or not, librarians do wipe down books and/or pull them out of circulation as necessary. Your little darling will not catch the flu or dysentery checking out a library book.
4. Keeping Kids Quiet: Again, oh please. Stereotype! The majority of libraries have designated children's areas and I have never seen a posted "Quiet Zone" in any of them.
5. Keeping Kids Still: Children's librarians expect some noise and exuberance. We have been known to dance in the aisles ourselves upon finishing a particularly excellent book -- Scaredy Squirrel or a classic Dr. Seuss, anyone? As long as the children are not hurting themselves or putting others in danger, I think you are okay with movement. Sorry, but we do draw the line at bungee-jumping off the top of the shelving units.
6. The Books My Kids Choose: Well, kids are generally receptive to guidance in this area. But the deaths of pets and divorce are facts of life and reading about these sad circumstances allow children to experience the emotions surrounding these events safely and/or find comfort and confirmation in a fictional character's response.
10 Things I Hate About the Library
And being a school librarian who works with young children every day, I of course felt the need to reply, measure for measure, ala Liz Phair to the Rolling Stones, Exile in Guyville to Exile on Main Street:
1. The Stress: Oh please. With free access to books and CDs, and minimal (if any) fees on DVDs, the library is a bargain that is worth the time, effort and stress to help children keep track of their borrowings. Try using a designated book bag; teach children to keep their library books in a special place (nightstand, corner of the bedroom, chair) when they are not reading them. This is an organizational skill they will need early on in school and use 4-EVER!
2. Late and Replacement Fees: a small price to pay. See above suggestions. Always get a checkout receipt and post it somewhere prominent -- refrigerator, calendar, front door, garage door.
3. The Grossness: exposure to germs can be a good thing -- builds the immune system. And, believe it or not, librarians do wipe down books and/or pull them out of circulation as necessary. Your little darling will not catch the flu or dysentery checking out a library book.
4. Keeping Kids Quiet: Again, oh please. Stereotype! The majority of libraries have designated children's areas and I have never seen a posted "Quiet Zone" in any of them.
5. Keeping Kids Still: Children's librarians expect some noise and exuberance. We have been known to dance in the aisles ourselves upon finishing a particularly excellent book -- Scaredy Squirrel or a classic Dr. Seuss, anyone? As long as the children are not hurting themselves or putting others in danger, I think you are okay with movement. Sorry, but we do draw the line at bungee-jumping off the top of the shelving units.
6. The Books My Kids Choose: Well, kids are generally receptive to guidance in this area. But the deaths of pets and divorce are facts of life and reading about these sad circumstances allow children to experience the emotions surrounding these events safely and/or find comfort and confirmation in a fictional character's response.
As for farting, well, it is a natural process and two absolute favorites on this topic are Walter, the Farting Dog and the based-on-a-true-story Fartiste. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And
have you seen what's playing at the multiplex lately? The gross-out, "adult" humor in the movie of Judd Apatow should be so entertaining as these children's books!
7. The Smell: This blogger must be going to a really old library. Well, sorry. Would she prefer the formaldehyde-laced scent of a Glade Plug-In?
8. The Scowling Librarian: Oh PLEASE! STEREOTYPE!! CLICHE!!! I could say "nuff said," but I shall continue.
have you seen what's playing at the multiplex lately? The gross-out, "adult" humor in the movie of Judd Apatow should be so entertaining as these children's books!
7. The Smell: This blogger must be going to a really old library. Well, sorry. Would she prefer the formaldehyde-laced scent of a Glade Plug-In?
8. The Scowling Librarian: Oh PLEASE! STEREOTYPE!! CLICHE!!! I could say "nuff said," but I shall continue.
Children's librarians are some of the most patient and friendly people you'll ever meet. It is a requirement of employment that you be cheerful, kind, patient, helpful ... sort of like Mary Poppins without the spoonful of sugar and the flying umbrella.
9. The Lack of a Starbucks: So while she's off sipping her coffee at Barnes and Noble, where are the kiddies? Tearing up the picture book aisle? Knocking over the New Nonfiction displays?
10. Reading. Hmmmmmm... I guess I will tackle this "other post" later... for "tomorrow is another day!"
9. The Lack of a Starbucks: So while she's off sipping her coffee at Barnes and Noble, where are the kiddies? Tearing up the picture book aisle? Knocking over the New Nonfiction displays?
10. Reading. Hmmmmmm... I guess I will tackle this "other post" later... for "tomorrow is another day!"
- Published on
Did they get the joke or were they just clueless? You decide.
Recent novel pitch to a literary agent:
Horizontal in the Dark: This novel tells the story of the disintegration of a Los Angeles family, the Morgenthalers. Richard Morgenthaler is an alcoholic lawyer in his early 50s who once had political ambitions. His wife, Jennifer, is the daughter of wealth. They have two daughters: Ashley, who is mentally-impaired and disabled, and Britney, beautiful and intelligent and doomed. Ashley is Jennifer's favorite; Richard forgets she even exists. Britney is the target of Jennifer's powerful loathing and Richard's overbearing affection ... if it can be called that. Richard and Jennifer have an awful marriage, marked by recriminations, bitterness and fear. For a time, Richard finds solace in his mistress, Tracie Hatchett. Hounding them all is a foreboding sense of godlessness. The immediate setting is Britney's funeral, after her suicide. But the conflicts between the narcissistic, alcoholic father and the emotionally disturbed mother, the hate between mother and daughter, and the near incestuous love of the father for Britney - all contributors to the characters' disillusionment and the suicide itself - are unfolded in flashbacks. Though the story is told in third person, the final section is an intense monologue recited by Britney before she flings herself off a cliff on the Palos Verdes peninsula.
Agent's reply:
Dear Author,
Thank you for contacting ******* about representation. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you representation at this time. Due to the large number of submissions ******* receives, ***** is forced to be extremely selective when considering new clients. After reflection, we don’t feel that this is a perfect fit for **********’s list. Publishing is very subjective, however, and another agent may well feel differently.
I sincerely apologize for the impersonal nature of this reply—we receive hundreds of submissions a month.
Thank you again for thinking of *************. We wish you all the best of luck in the future.
Reality? The pitch was the plot summary for William Styron's debut novel, Lie Down in Darkness, which was critically acclaimed when it was published in 1951 and won the Prix de Rome from the American Academy in Rome, a prestigious literary award.
Guess it wouldn't get published today.
Recent novel pitch to a literary agent:
Horizontal in the Dark: This novel tells the story of the disintegration of a Los Angeles family, the Morgenthalers. Richard Morgenthaler is an alcoholic lawyer in his early 50s who once had political ambitions. His wife, Jennifer, is the daughter of wealth. They have two daughters: Ashley, who is mentally-impaired and disabled, and Britney, beautiful and intelligent and doomed. Ashley is Jennifer's favorite; Richard forgets she even exists. Britney is the target of Jennifer's powerful loathing and Richard's overbearing affection ... if it can be called that. Richard and Jennifer have an awful marriage, marked by recriminations, bitterness and fear. For a time, Richard finds solace in his mistress, Tracie Hatchett. Hounding them all is a foreboding sense of godlessness. The immediate setting is Britney's funeral, after her suicide. But the conflicts between the narcissistic, alcoholic father and the emotionally disturbed mother, the hate between mother and daughter, and the near incestuous love of the father for Britney - all contributors to the characters' disillusionment and the suicide itself - are unfolded in flashbacks. Though the story is told in third person, the final section is an intense monologue recited by Britney before she flings herself off a cliff on the Palos Verdes peninsula.
Agent's reply:
Dear Author,
Thank you for contacting ******* about representation. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you representation at this time. Due to the large number of submissions ******* receives, ***** is forced to be extremely selective when considering new clients. After reflection, we don’t feel that this is a perfect fit for **********’s list. Publishing is very subjective, however, and another agent may well feel differently.
I sincerely apologize for the impersonal nature of this reply—we receive hundreds of submissions a month.
Thank you again for thinking of *************. We wish you all the best of luck in the future.
Reality? The pitch was the plot summary for William Styron's debut novel, Lie Down in Darkness, which was critically acclaimed when it was published in 1951 and won the Prix de Rome from the American Academy in Rome, a prestigious literary award.
Guess it wouldn't get published today.
Critically acclaimed? Maybe... but just not right for my "list" today.
- Published on
Clued in or clueless? You decide.
Synopsis provided to literary agent:
The Flipside of Heaven chronicles the life of Justin Loutman from his childhood up through his early twenties. Born the son of a wealthy and sophisticated woman, Alexis, Justin travels the country with his mother until he attends the St. Blaine Academy prep school in a tony North Shore suburb of Chicago. He is handsome, quite intelligent, though lazy in his schoolwork, and, through his mother’s connections, he earns admission to the University of Chicago. Though initially concerned with being a success on campus, after failing a class, he gives himself over to idleness; he prefers to learn through reading and discussions with friends than through his classes. Toward the end of his college career, America is at first shattered, then united by the event of September 11, 2001. When his country enters into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Justin, seized by patriotism, enlists, forgoing his degree. During his tour of duty, Alexis dies. Upon his return to America, Justin meets the young reality show star and minor celebrity, Kendra McClarren, the sister of his college friend, Trip. The two fall in love, but because of the stock market crash and his family's poor investments, Justin has little money, and Kendra does not wish to marry a slacker without the means to contribute support to her chosen life style. Despite Justin's best efforts to earn money at an Internet start-up music-sharing site, Kendra breaks off their engagement in order to marry a wealthier man, devastating Justin. He goes on a three-week coke and alcohol binge, which is finally terminated by his arrest for public indecency.
Justin's quest for self-knowledge begins. He has a short summer romance with the wild Kaitlyn. Soon after, Trip is caught up in a scandal involving the underaged daughter of a Chicago politician, and Justin takes the blame. Justin then discovers that his last close tie, the dear friend of his mother and his father figure, Dr. Gerson, has passed away. Further, the recession and collapse of the Internet start-up have left him almost no money. After attending the funeral in Wisconsin, he decides to hitchhike back to the University of Chicago to try to start again. As he stumbles through the North Shore he is picked up along the way by the wealthy father of a friend who died in Iraq. Justin expounds his new socialist principles and then continues to walk to the university. He arrives late at night, pining for Kendra. Justin reaches his hands to the sky, realizing he knows nothing but himself.
Agent's response:
Thank you for thinking of me with your query for THE FLIPSIDE OF HEAVEN. While this sounds like a strong project, I'm afraid it doesn't strike me as a likely fit with me and my particular editorial contacts. I wish you well in finding the right agent for your work.
Reality: This is essentially a plot summary of F. Scott Fitzgerald's first novel, This Side of Paradise.
Guess it just doesn't fit that old list.
Synopsis provided to literary agent:
The Flipside of Heaven chronicles the life of Justin Loutman from his childhood up through his early twenties. Born the son of a wealthy and sophisticated woman, Alexis, Justin travels the country with his mother until he attends the St. Blaine Academy prep school in a tony North Shore suburb of Chicago. He is handsome, quite intelligent, though lazy in his schoolwork, and, through his mother’s connections, he earns admission to the University of Chicago. Though initially concerned with being a success on campus, after failing a class, he gives himself over to idleness; he prefers to learn through reading and discussions with friends than through his classes. Toward the end of his college career, America is at first shattered, then united by the event of September 11, 2001. When his country enters into wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Justin, seized by patriotism, enlists, forgoing his degree. During his tour of duty, Alexis dies. Upon his return to America, Justin meets the young reality show star and minor celebrity, Kendra McClarren, the sister of his college friend, Trip. The two fall in love, but because of the stock market crash and his family's poor investments, Justin has little money, and Kendra does not wish to marry a slacker without the means to contribute support to her chosen life style. Despite Justin's best efforts to earn money at an Internet start-up music-sharing site, Kendra breaks off their engagement in order to marry a wealthier man, devastating Justin. He goes on a three-week coke and alcohol binge, which is finally terminated by his arrest for public indecency.
Justin's quest for self-knowledge begins. He has a short summer romance with the wild Kaitlyn. Soon after, Trip is caught up in a scandal involving the underaged daughter of a Chicago politician, and Justin takes the blame. Justin then discovers that his last close tie, the dear friend of his mother and his father figure, Dr. Gerson, has passed away. Further, the recession and collapse of the Internet start-up have left him almost no money. After attending the funeral in Wisconsin, he decides to hitchhike back to the University of Chicago to try to start again. As he stumbles through the North Shore he is picked up along the way by the wealthy father of a friend who died in Iraq. Justin expounds his new socialist principles and then continues to walk to the university. He arrives late at night, pining for Kendra. Justin reaches his hands to the sky, realizing he knows nothing but himself.
Agent's response:
Thank you for thinking of me with your query for THE FLIPSIDE OF HEAVEN. While this sounds like a strong project, I'm afraid it doesn't strike me as a likely fit with me and my particular editorial contacts. I wish you well in finding the right agent for your work.
Reality: This is essentially a plot summary of F. Scott Fitzgerald's first novel, This Side of Paradise.
Guess it just doesn't fit that old list.
Well, hey, after all, it's not a paranormal romance! Just a bad one...
- Published on
Headline: Soul and funk legend, Sly Stone, homeless and living out of a van
The man was a musical genius. Made history as the leader of one of the first "integrated, multi-gender" bands. Made incredible, progressive strides in funk, soul, rhythm and blues and psychedelia. Influenced the next generation of rock, pop, rap and hip-hop stars. "Family Affair" is three minutes of heart-breaking, awe-inspiring music.
Intervention... redemption... This man deserves a second or third act...
You can't leave, 'cause your heart is there
But you can't stay, 'cause you been somewhere else!
You can't cry, 'cause you'll look broke down
But you're cryin' anyway 'cause you're all broke down!
It's a family affair
It's a family affair
The man was a musical genius. Made history as the leader of one of the first "integrated, multi-gender" bands. Made incredible, progressive strides in funk, soul, rhythm and blues and psychedelia. Influenced the next generation of rock, pop, rap and hip-hop stars. "Family Affair" is three minutes of heart-breaking, awe-inspiring music.
Intervention... redemption... This man deserves a second or third act...
You can't leave, 'cause your heart is there
But you can't stay, 'cause you been somewhere else!
You can't cry, 'cause you'll look broke down
But you're cryin' anyway 'cause you're all broke down!
It's a family affair
It's a family affair
- Published on
A few days ago, the Remainders 4-Ever bookstore hosted a celebrity authors panel, bringing together 5 diverse women to discuss their recently published works and the mysteries of the writing process. The following is a transcript of the lively conversation.
Moderator: Welcome, ladies. First of all, the hot burning question on everyone's mind: you have all achieved a level of fame and/or notoriety in our popular culture to the degree that you belong to the pantheon of stars known by a single name. So why go into writing, a traditionally solitary pursuit conducted outside of the spotlight?
Tyra: It's all about the brand.
Moderator: The brand?
Tyra: Yes, the Brand. My brand. Expanding the brand into new markets. Look, I'm a model, a reality-TV show star, a successful entrepreneur. But that leaves a lot of world still to be conquered. The YA market is booming. I figured it was the perfect opportunity to expand my empire. Model Land, my YA novel, is the result.
Hilary: (after consulting with a pale woman sitting behind her) I am so down with that.
Moderator: May I ask, Hilary, who is that person sitting behind you?
Hilary: What person?
Moderator: The woman sitting behind you.
Hilary: There's a person sitting behind me? (looks furtively) Oh, that person. That's just Elise.
Moderator: Elise?
Hilary: All right, I confess. She's my ghost speaker.
Moderator: Don't you mean 'ghostwriter?'
Hilary: Well, that, too.
Moderator: So you are willing to admit that you didn't write your young adult novel, Elixir?
Hilary: (whispering with Elise) Well, I'm a horrible speller. I can't spell a lick. When we were working on the title, I was sure it was spelled 'h-e-l-i-c-k-s-h-e-r.'
Moderator: Have you ever heard of the spellcheck feature in your word processing program?
Hilary: (whispering with Elise) Well, sure, that's a tremendous help. But I'm a little weak on the keyboarding as well. (giggles) But I can text. I'm all thumbs! (whispers with Elise) Look, I had an idea and she fleshed it out. Like, totally. She's an awesome writer.
Moderator: But that's your name on the cover.
Hilary: Well, like Tyra said, I've got the brand. Actress, singer, perfume designer, I mean, people know my name. Teens and tweens know my name. I sell.
Moderator: So, in other words, if the novel had been published under Elise's name, it wouldn't have sold? On its own merits?
Hilary: (whispering to Elise, who begins to weep silently) Whatever...
Moderator: Snooki, let me ask you, was your brand on your mind when you wrote A Shore Thing?
Snooki: What?
Moderator: Your brand? Was it on your mind?
Snooki: No, I was thinking about a nice juiced hot tanned guido.
Moderator: So A Shore Thing, which you must admit, did not sell very well considering all the publicity surrounding it's publication, so it was a roman a clef?
Snooki: Huh? What the #$%!&*$% are you sayin'?
Moderator: Roman a clef. It's a literary... thing.
Snooki: Yo, I don't read books. I don't write books. But I can sign my name on the back of a check. And that's what school's done for me. Cursive writing in the 3rd grade got me where I am today.
Tyra: Now see, this is what I'm talking about. You think I was gonna hold back from expanding my brand when an empty-headed, fake-ass tanorexic like that is getting a publishing deal with Simon & Schuster? I am absolutely more fabulous-than-thou, fierce as they come, and my tan is real. I have a bod for sin and a brain for business.
Moderator: Isn't that a line from some movie?
Tyra: Do I look like I care, honey? Do you think that these tweens and teens really care? I mean, they ate up that crap that Stephenie Meyer was serving. I mean, that crap was like Uncle Ben's Instant is to real Rice. That's a joke, get it? See I know my literary stuff, too. Anne Rice? Interview with the frickin' Vampire?
Moderator: Yes, well, moving on to you, Nicole. In your memoir - er - novel, The Thing About Diamonds, the plot centers around Chloe, a beautiful girl adopted by a famous singer who grows up in the hard-partying world of Hollywood night clubs. So, where did you get your ideas?
Nicole: (giggling) You know what they say, write about what you know.
Moderator: Paris, in your book Confessions of an Heiress, did you follow that advice as well?
Paris: I don't listen to a word Miss Thing says anymore.
Moderator: Well, it's not Nicole's advice. It's advice given to writers just...
Lauren: Look, you know, it's all about the fame.
Moderator: Hmmm, isn't that one of Lady Gaga's--
Lauren: Oh, please, who's original anymore? I've been on two, that's right, Snooki, two reality-TV shows. And it's the name that counts. Didn't you see that video of the two guidettes who actually bought Spray-tan's book? They told the reporter they weren't even planning to read the thing. They just wanted it cuz of the name attached.
Tyra: Fame is the name of the game.
Moderator: (audible sigh) More plagiarism. Don't you ladies have any original thoughts in your brains?
Hilary: (as Elise whispers in her ear) All my thoughts are original.
Tyra: Honey, originality is highly over-rated. Why do you think every other book in the store is a flippin' paranormal romance right now? They want more where that came from. They want to know who else you're like ...not if you have an original voice.
Snooki: (being restrained from commiting a violent act by a security guard) Well, ain't no one like me! I am the original guidette!
Moderator: (wiping brow) Thank god for small favors.
Tyra: Don't believe it. She's a dime a dozen. That's the problem. Too many bubble-heads with brands.
Snooki: (being hauled away by security guard) Look b*%$^!h, I'm gonna use my brand for good. After I run for president, I would get $h!t done in this country. The economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios would play house music.
Moderator: That's really all the discussion that we have time for... time to sell and sign!
Moderator: Welcome, ladies. First of all, the hot burning question on everyone's mind: you have all achieved a level of fame and/or notoriety in our popular culture to the degree that you belong to the pantheon of stars known by a single name. So why go into writing, a traditionally solitary pursuit conducted outside of the spotlight?
Tyra: It's all about the brand.
Moderator: The brand?
Tyra: Yes, the Brand. My brand. Expanding the brand into new markets. Look, I'm a model, a reality-TV show star, a successful entrepreneur. But that leaves a lot of world still to be conquered. The YA market is booming. I figured it was the perfect opportunity to expand my empire. Model Land, my YA novel, is the result.
Hilary: (after consulting with a pale woman sitting behind her) I am so down with that.
Moderator: May I ask, Hilary, who is that person sitting behind you?
Hilary: What person?
Moderator: The woman sitting behind you.
Hilary: There's a person sitting behind me? (looks furtively) Oh, that person. That's just Elise.
Moderator: Elise?
Hilary: All right, I confess. She's my ghost speaker.
Moderator: Don't you mean 'ghostwriter?'
Hilary: Well, that, too.
Moderator: So you are willing to admit that you didn't write your young adult novel, Elixir?
Hilary: (whispering with Elise) Well, I'm a horrible speller. I can't spell a lick. When we were working on the title, I was sure it was spelled 'h-e-l-i-c-k-s-h-e-r.'
Moderator: Have you ever heard of the spellcheck feature in your word processing program?
Hilary: (whispering with Elise) Well, sure, that's a tremendous help. But I'm a little weak on the keyboarding as well. (giggles) But I can text. I'm all thumbs! (whispers with Elise) Look, I had an idea and she fleshed it out. Like, totally. She's an awesome writer.
Moderator: But that's your name on the cover.
Hilary: Well, like Tyra said, I've got the brand. Actress, singer, perfume designer, I mean, people know my name. Teens and tweens know my name. I sell.
Moderator: So, in other words, if the novel had been published under Elise's name, it wouldn't have sold? On its own merits?
Hilary: (whispering to Elise, who begins to weep silently) Whatever...
Moderator: Snooki, let me ask you, was your brand on your mind when you wrote A Shore Thing?
Snooki: What?
Moderator: Your brand? Was it on your mind?
Snooki: No, I was thinking about a nice juiced hot tanned guido.
Moderator: So A Shore Thing, which you must admit, did not sell very well considering all the publicity surrounding it's publication, so it was a roman a clef?
Snooki: Huh? What the #$%!&*$% are you sayin'?
Moderator: Roman a clef. It's a literary... thing.
Snooki: Yo, I don't read books. I don't write books. But I can sign my name on the back of a check. And that's what school's done for me. Cursive writing in the 3rd grade got me where I am today.
Tyra: Now see, this is what I'm talking about. You think I was gonna hold back from expanding my brand when an empty-headed, fake-ass tanorexic like that is getting a publishing deal with Simon & Schuster? I am absolutely more fabulous-than-thou, fierce as they come, and my tan is real. I have a bod for sin and a brain for business.
Moderator: Isn't that a line from some movie?
Tyra: Do I look like I care, honey? Do you think that these tweens and teens really care? I mean, they ate up that crap that Stephenie Meyer was serving. I mean, that crap was like Uncle Ben's Instant is to real Rice. That's a joke, get it? See I know my literary stuff, too. Anne Rice? Interview with the frickin' Vampire?
Moderator: Yes, well, moving on to you, Nicole. In your memoir - er - novel, The Thing About Diamonds, the plot centers around Chloe, a beautiful girl adopted by a famous singer who grows up in the hard-partying world of Hollywood night clubs. So, where did you get your ideas?
Nicole: (giggling) You know what they say, write about what you know.
Moderator: Paris, in your book Confessions of an Heiress, did you follow that advice as well?
Paris: I don't listen to a word Miss Thing says anymore.
Moderator: Well, it's not Nicole's advice. It's advice given to writers just...
Lauren: Look, you know, it's all about the fame.
Moderator: Hmmm, isn't that one of Lady Gaga's--
Lauren: Oh, please, who's original anymore? I've been on two, that's right, Snooki, two reality-TV shows. And it's the name that counts. Didn't you see that video of the two guidettes who actually bought Spray-tan's book? They told the reporter they weren't even planning to read the thing. They just wanted it cuz of the name attached.
Tyra: Fame is the name of the game.
Moderator: (audible sigh) More plagiarism. Don't you ladies have any original thoughts in your brains?
Hilary: (as Elise whispers in her ear) All my thoughts are original.
Tyra: Honey, originality is highly over-rated. Why do you think every other book in the store is a flippin' paranormal romance right now? They want more where that came from. They want to know who else you're like ...not if you have an original voice.
Snooki: (being restrained from commiting a violent act by a security guard) Well, ain't no one like me! I am the original guidette!
Moderator: (wiping brow) Thank god for small favors.
Tyra: Don't believe it. She's a dime a dozen. That's the problem. Too many bubble-heads with brands.
Snooki: (being hauled away by security guard) Look b*%$^!h, I'm gonna use my brand for good. After I run for president, I would get $h!t done in this country. The economy would rise, everyone would be tan, and all the radios would play house music.
Moderator: That's really all the discussion that we have time for... time to sell and sign!
- Published on
Be forewarned: this post has nothing to do with books. But it does examine some specious, ridiculous writing, so allow me my rant.
Yesterday a curious catalog came over the transom: wishcraft produced by a company called chasing fireflies (lower case theirs). It consisted of 72 glossy pages of high concept, extremely overpriced Halloween costumes. OMG! Are there really people who would pay $198 dollars for a "Vampiress of Versailles" 3-piece get up? By the way, that does not include a "coffin cape," for which you would have to fork over another $78. Nor does it include the requisite tiara ($24), bat earrings ($9) or fangs ($5). For your vampire mate, you can get a five-piece set, which includes black velvet coat, brocade vest, lace jabot, top hat and boot covers, for a mere $178. You can also attire your vampire ankle-biters in similar fashion at similar cost. And according to the catalog copy: "out of the crypt beneath the French palace you sashay, dressed to kill..."
Yesterday a curious catalog came over the transom: wishcraft produced by a company called chasing fireflies (lower case theirs). It consisted of 72 glossy pages of high concept, extremely overpriced Halloween costumes. OMG! Are there really people who would pay $198 dollars for a "Vampiress of Versailles" 3-piece get up? By the way, that does not include a "coffin cape," for which you would have to fork over another $78. Nor does it include the requisite tiara ($24), bat earrings ($9) or fangs ($5). For your vampire mate, you can get a five-piece set, which includes black velvet coat, brocade vest, lace jabot, top hat and boot covers, for a mere $178. You can also attire your vampire ankle-biters in similar fashion at similar cost. And according to the catalog copy: "out of the crypt beneath the French palace you sashay, dressed to kill..."
Other costumes for children include the Empress Josephine, an unamed Russian czarina, a Renaissance princess (also nameless) and Marie Antoinette. Show me a first grader acquainted with the existence of Josephine and poor Marie-sans-tete, and I'll show you a unemployed history professor in the making. And none of these get-ups can be got for under a hundred dollars
(euros-- whatever)!
(euros-- whatever)!
If you are the type of person who dresses your dog for Halloween, you can also purchase attire for your pooch, including Yoda and Princess Leia costumes -- a steal at $18! If your pet walks on the wild side, he (or she) could be a pirate this year, complete with a hook! (I think if the ASPCA saw the photo of the poor bulldog in this get-up, it would descend upon the photo-shoot and swoop the beast away.)
And the ultimate degradation? Here's the catalog copy: "Your 'Toto' can be Dorothy. Just slip her into this blue-and-white costume with attached arms. Comes with a pigtail wig." Yes, it's a some tiny, sad excuse for a dog dressed as Dorothy Gale. But what, no ruby slippers?!?! I'm shocked, simply shocked...
Dorothy, too?