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Whew! Over 1,400 miles in three days. A college move-in odyssey filled with laughter, tears, and a whistling toilet in Corning, New York. What more can one ask of a road-trip? But it's good to be home -- and just in time to celebrate the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest!
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Who?
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton!
You know, the guy who originally composed that opening sentence that Charlie Brown's beagle, Snoopy, is always plagiarizing for his own novel:  "It was a dark and stormy night..."
Okay, okay, a little background might be in order... Way back in 1982, the English Department at San Jose State University initiated the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a tongue-in-cheek literary "competition" that challenges entrants to come up with the opening sentence to "the worst of all possible novels." The contest sprang from the twisted mind of Professor Scott Rice, whose stumbled upon the source of the line “It was a dark and stormy night” while a graduate student. For a class assignment on minor Victorian novelists, he selected
Bulwer-Lytton, who was best known for foisting these works upon an unsuspecting society: The Last Days of Pompeii, Eugene Aram, Rienzi, The Caxtons, The Coming Race, and – not least – Paul Clifford, where you will find that "dark and stormy" phrase. 
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For your reading pleasure, here is the complete opening line:  "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.” Lytton coined a few other cliches that you might have used once or twice yourself: “the pen is mightier than the sword,” “the great unwashed,” and “the almighty dollar."
Pop culture sidenote:  Lytton’s ancestral estate at
Knebworth was chosen by
director Tim Burton as the setting for Wayne Manor in the 1989 movie
Batman.
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Since 1982, over 10,000 writers have taken up their pens or tapped their keyboards in hopes of one-upping Bulwer-Lytton's immortal opening line. And now, without further ado, here's the winner for 2012:
"As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting."Cathy Bryant, Manchester, England
You can read the other dubious achievements in a variety of genres (fantasy, children's, historical fiction, a special "purple prose" category and others) at the Bulwer-Lytton contest website. Enjoy!
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Well, another Olympics draws to a close. Over 10,000 athletes representing 204 countries managed to live in close quarters and engage in fierce competition without maiming or killing each other in a struggle over land or differences in the color of their skin or their religious beliefs. Is this a reflection of the idea that the things that we have in common as human beings are actually stronger and far more numerous than our differences? Or does all that swimming and running and diving and volleyballing and cycling just leave everyone too tired to squabble?  If the latter is the case, then I recommend the government leaders of all the nations of the world immediately begin an extreme regimen of diet and exercise.
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However, about those common bonds. It is true that "The Golden Rule" is a stated maxim in all faiths. An ethic of reciprocity, a similar code of morality runs through them all:

Baha'i: "And is thine eyes be turned towards justic, choose thou for thy neighbor that which thou choosest for thyself." -- Lawh'i 'Ibn'i Dhib "Epistle to the Son of the Wolf" 13
Buddhism: "Hurt not others in ways you yourself would find hurtful." -- Udana-Varga, 5:18
Christianity: "In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets." -- Matthew 7:12
Confucianism: "Do not unto others what you do not want them to do to you." --Analects 15:13
Hinduism: "This is the sum of duty: do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you." -- The Mahabharata, 5:1517
Islam: "Not one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." -- Fortieth Hadith of an-Nawawi 13
Jainism: "A man should wander about treating all creatures as he himself would be treated." -- Sutrakritanga 1:11:33
Judaism:  "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor: that is the whole of the Torah; all the rest of it is commentary." -- Talmud, Shabbet 31a
Native American:  "Respect for all life is the foundation." -- The Great Law of Peace
Sikhism: "Treat others as thou wouldst be treated thyself." -- Adi Granth
Taoism: "Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain and your neighbor's loss as your own loss."  -- T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien
Zoroastrianism: "That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself." -- Dadistan-I-Dinik, 94:5
(Translations courtesy of the Tanenbaum Center for Interreligious Understanding, www.tanenbaum.org)
Another case of "easier said than done?"
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But enough seriousness for one morning. Intern George reports that rehearsals for the Closing Ceremonies have been "brilliant" and that he is simply "over the moon" at being a participant. He refuses to divulge the set list for the "celebration of British music," although he did say The Who (what's left of them) and Annie Lenox (with her old Eurythmics band mate Dave Stewart) were in especially fine voice.
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In one of those moments where I went searching for information about one topic and stumbled across information on something entirely different, I recently learned that the Kingdom of Bhutan measures not only its Gross Domestic Product (GDP), but its Gross National Happiness (GNH) as well.
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Bhutan ("Land of the Thunder Dragon") is a landlocked state in South Asia, nestled on the southern slopes of the Himalayas, sandwiched between India and China. It's a land of steep, jagged mountains and deep valleys through which course swift-flowing rivers. Its diverse flora and fauna include the increasingly rare Bengal tiger and snow leopard, the red panda, and primates such as the golden langur. (Sounds delightfully like some parts of Middle Earth.) 
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In 1999, just before the new Millennium, Bhutan lifted its ban on television and the Internet.  And throughout the first decade of the 21st Century, it underwent considerable political reform, becoming a constitutional monarchy, with a cabinet of ministers and an elected National Assembly that has the power to impeach the monarch! Through the Centre for Bhutan Studies, it also made a serious attempt to measure the happiness of its people through an indicator called Gross National Happiness that measures quality of life and social progress in more holistic and psychological terms than simple economic factors, which in Bhutan's case is "how much electricity can we sell to India?" (All those rushing rivers create a lot of hydroelectric power!)
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Learning all this, of course, got me to thinking about happiness in general. Bhutan measures it in nine different domains, including time use, cultural and ecological diversity, resilience, education, health and something called "good governance." Hmmmm, we might have to leave that last one off of any happiness survey taken in Illinois (and on a national level).
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The King and Queen of Bhutan, who look happy and beautiful (graduates of Oxford U. and Regents College)

When seeking to form an opinion on weighty matters, I often like to consult the words of my predecessors in hopes of gaining a larger perspective. So once again, I turned to Bartlett's and the online quote farms for a gander at the wisdom of the ancients.
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Since the majority of the Bhutanese practice Buddhism, it seemed appropriate to consult Buddha first. And, as usual, with him, as with Janet Jackson, it's all about control: "To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him."  The Dalai Lama weighed in on this as well: "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."  I sense a lack of emphasis on the material here. 
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"Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants." That's Benjamin Franklin talking. Of course, he also said this: "Marriage is the most natural state of man, and... the state in which you will find solid happiness." And there are scads of unhappily married people in the world who would vociferously disagree. (I would hope that does not include the King and Queen of Bhutan, who look like a darling couple who would be a sparkling addition to any dinner party.)
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Speaking of dinner parties, that means other people, and there are plenty of opinions out there about how other people can or cannot affect one's happiness quotient.  As Oscar Wilde, he of the razor-sharp wit, noted: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."  I would be remiss if I did not consult the Bard of Avon, who moaned: "But O, how bitter a thing it is to look into happiness through another man's eyes."  (from Act 5, Scene 2, As You Like It.) Mr. Acerbic Straightshooter (literally and figuratively) Ernest Hemingway complained that "the only thing that could spoil a day was people. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself." 
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Wow, you're mumbling to yourself, this is getting rather depressing! I thought the topic was "happiness!" Okay, okay, enough angst about happiness!
After all, according to comedian George Burns, "happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." And doctor, do-gooder and Nobel Prize-winner Albert Schweitzer (and Audrey Hepburn paraphrasing him) joked that "happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
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Hmmm, I sense a trend here about happiness and the brain.  Hemingway (yes, him again) wrote: "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." But let's allow Gustave Flaubert to have the last word on happiness for today: "To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost."  Okay, Mr. Flaubert, if that's the case, then what was Madame Bovary's problem?
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A couple of posts ago, I summed about the hilarity of #CheeseLit, which attempted to come up with the cheesiest book titles ever. Well, today's inspired hashtag is ZombieWesterns. What a fabulous way to waste the precious time we have on this Earth! However did we have fun without Twitter?
Some favorites and a few of my own devising...
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10. All the Pretty Corpses
9. High Brains Drifter
8. Extremely Pale Rider
7. Butchered Cassidy and the Undead Kid


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6. Munch Upon a Guy in the West
5. The Good, the Bad and the Undead. 
4. The Man Who Ate Liberty Valence
3. The Ox-Bone Incident
2. The Quick and the Living Dead
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And one of my favorite Westerns....
1. True Gristle



Again, thanks to Keir Graff of Booklist Online for his creative jump-start.
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August 6th marks the 67th anniversary of the destruction of the city of Hiroshima, Japan with the first use of an atomic weapon. Thinking men and women should spend some time investigating the back story of this event and its role in shaping the world as we know it.
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The Making of the Atomic Bomb
Richard Rhodes (Simon & Schuster, 1986)
This is the definitive work on the subject. Yes, it's long (over 800 pages) and not an easy read, but Rhodes writes in a gripping style and delivers facinating psychological insights into the personalities of the men behind the Manhattan Project. Rhodes covers it all: the theoretical origins of the bomb in the mind of Leo Szilard, the lab experiments spearheaded by Enrico Fermi and his crew of scientists at the University of Chicago, the building of the prototype, the test at Alamagordo, New Mexico, the training of the B-29 crews assigned to deliver the first two bombs and the missions themselves. He also delves into the struggle in Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan to make the first bomb, as well as the political and military events that led to the destruction of the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Well worth the time and effort.
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Pandora's Keepers: nine men and the atomic bomb
Brian VanDeMark (Little, Brown, 2003)
VanDeMark puts his focus on the nine men who built the atomic bomb and how each struggled with the implications of their deadly creation. He does an excellent job of bringing these brilliant scientists to life in this examination of the moral ambiguity that exists in "an imperfect world that sometimes forges good from evil and evil from good." First, we witness science at work, in the act of creation that drove these talented individuals. However, then VanDeMark switches gears and tackles the issues of the aftermath, when the scientists, academics all, realized the real-world horrors and implications for the future that their creation had wrought. Pandora indeed.
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Shockwave: countdown to Hiroshima
Stephen Walker (Harper Collins, 2005)
This high-speed rollercoaster ride of a  narrative recreates a (literally) minute-by-minute retelling of the Hiroshima bombing as remembered by American soldiers, Los Alamos scientists, and Japanese survivors. He examines the doubts and fears of the bomb's designers, the thought processes behind the selection of the targets, and the bewilderment of citizens of Hiroshima,  who were victims not only of the U.S. bomb, but a Japanese government controlled by men who were determined to continue the fight at all costs.
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There are plenty of books and films out there with cheesy titles, whether intentional or not. But what could you come up with if asked to write the -literally- cheesiest title ever? Well, the good and creative folks over at Booklist, one of my favorite go-to sources for book reviews, spent a Friday putting Twitter to good use doing just that. I am compelled to pass along some of my top ten favorites...
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10. To Havarti and to Havarti Not
9. East of Edam
8. The Scarlet Cheddar
7.  Colby-Dick
6.  Ricottahouse 5
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5.  The Island of the Blue Cheese Dolphins
4.  Ethan Fromage
3.  The Gouda Earth
2.  The Old Man and the Brie
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And my number one favorite:  The Velveeta Rabbit!
You can read the entire Best of #CheeseLit blog post at Likely Stories, a Booklist Online blog by Keir Graff.
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Dow Chemical is hardly the first corporation to use a non-human entity as its "spokesman." This is a well-established tradition dating far back to the dawn of modern advertising.
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One of the earliest spokescritters was Nipper, the dog, who started shilling first for The Gramaphone Company in Britain in 1900 and later for RCA back in 1929. His original image "His Master's Voice" was created by artist Francis Barraud. It was originally and uncreatively titled "Dog looking at and listening to a phonograph". The painting features a black-and-white terrier staring into a gramophone horn. Barraud tried to hawk the image to various companies, including The Edison Bell Company, leading manufacturer of the cylinder phonograph. The company supposedly told him, "Dogs don't listen to phonographs." Oops! How literal can you be? Gramaphone and RCA Victor were obviously thinking outside of the box, however, and the rest is musical history!
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The original Nipper; the long-standing Nipper; Nipper and buddy Chipper, who came along in the digital era

Another long-standing spokescritter is Borden's Elsie the Cow, a bovine who's been promoting dairy products since 1939. She made a number of live appearances throughout the years in the form of a Jersey cow whose real name was "You'll Do Lobelia." Her first major event was the 1939 World's Fair, which was quickly followed by a featured role as "Buttercup" in the movie "Little Men."
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Several little known facts about Elsie: she has four children, Beulah, Beauregard, and the twins Larabee and Lobelia. Her husband, Elmer, divorced her to live the high life as the spokescritter for glue. Elsie's most famous quote: "If it's Borden, it's got to be good!"
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One of the most famous of all spokescritters has got to be The Pillsbury Doughboy, who actually does have a name: Poppin' Fresh. He sprang fresh from the mind of a creative director at ad agency giant Leo Burnett in 1965. Rudy Perz was hanging out in the kitchen when he imagined a plump, dough figure that popping out of a tube of refrigerated rolls. Since then, Pillsbury has used the plumper, whiter cousin of the Gingerbread Boy in more than 600 commercials for more than 50 of its products. The Doughboy was an instant success with his signature belly poke and giggle. Poppin's most famous quote: "Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the oven."
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Then there's Energizer the Bunny, who's been drumming up business for Eveready Batteries since 1989. He (She?) was even named one of the Top 10 Advertising Icons of the 20th Century by Advertising Age magazine. The bunny was initially featured in an ad poking fun at advertisements placed by archrival Duracell, which featured battery-powered toys. But then the bunny took off. A little known fact about Energizer is that he had to sue Coors Beers for copyright infringement when Coors stuck Leslie Nielsen in a bunny suit for a commercial parody.  However, he lost in court.  The judge pointedout that there's no competition between the sale of batteries (or their uses) and the sale of beer. In comparing the Energizer Bunny and a man in a pink rabbit suit, the judge also pointed out that "Mr. Nielsen is not a toy..., does not run on batteries, is not 15 inches tall... [and] is not predominantly pink." Energizer's most memorable quote is, of course: "Keeps on going and going and going..."
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Spokesmen and/or women… you know, those people who become the commercial face and voice for faceless, impersonal corporations. You’ve seen them on TV and heard them over the radio: the reassuring Dennis Haybert for Allstate Insurance; the cocky William Shatner for Priceline;  Mike Rowe for Ford; Morgan Freeman for just about everybody else. (Apparently he's #5 on the list of the Top Ten Most Trusted Celebrities. And happy to do voiceovers.  Nice work if you can get it!)
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Well, Dow, the chemical conglomerate, has got a new spokesman with neither a face nor a voice. In fact, it’s a bit of shrubbery. Hopeiary (yes, that's what it's called - ugh!) is a giant green biped made of hedges, created by the ad agency Draftfcb in Chicago. (Perhaps the admen are Monty Python fans?) Hopeiary even has his/its own website! (Is he/it planning on being the most interesting shrub in the world?) If you’ve watched even a tidbit of the Olympics, you’ve probably seen a commercial with this anthropomorphic topiary, walking around London, stumbling into Olympic athletes. Apparently he symbolizes the planet with "its own Olympic dream"—which is to not get totally, irreparably wrecked by humans. Dow's environmental history as a global corporate citizen is checkered at best, including its links with the horrendous gas leak at a pesticide factory in Bhopal, India, 28 years ago, which killed almost 3,800 people. (It bought out Union Carbide, which owned the factory at the time.) So Hopeiary seems like more than a bit of greenwashing to me…
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If a Martian landed on Earth and watched the Summer Olympics on prime-time television, it would probably conclude that the games consist of a handful of sports: swimming, gymnastics, diving, soccer, basketball and track-and-field events. In reality, the London 2012 Olympics will feature 26 sports in 302 medal events. Since the inaugural of the Modern Olympics in 1896, sports have been dropped and added as popularity and/or feasibility waxes and wanes. Here's a look at a few of those obscure or obsolete sports, which may leave you scratching your head and muttering, "What were they thinking?"
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The Rope Climb
Shades of a 1960's era gym class! Shinnying up a rope was once an Olympic event! Rope Climbing  was included in the gymnastics program from 1896 through 1932.  Competitors were required to ascend a suspended vertical rope, using only their hands. They started from a seated position on the floor and were timed. (Apparently in the 1896 event, style points were also awarded.) In 1896, the rope was 14 meters long (almost 46 feet!!!). Only two men, both Greek athletes, made it to the top. For future events, they lopped off about half the rope! And as all who suffer from a distinct lack of upper body strength sigh in relief, the powers-that-be (the IOC) dropped the rope after 1932. Unfortunately, sadistic gym teachers around the world kept the activity to torture their students throughout elementary and high school.
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Swimming Obstacle Race
This one-time-only event was held in 1900 at the Paris Summer Games, but I am guessing that it might be ripe for a revival and a return to the Olympic roster, given the popularity of such TV shows as "American Ninja Warrior" and "The Amazing Race," which feature all sorts of crazy obstacle course challenges. Could become a new fan favorite! As a combination swimming event/obstacle course, the competitors had to climb over a pole, then clamber over a row of boats, and then swim under another row of boats (total distance 200 meters). Since this event was held outdoors in the River Seine, the competitors also had to contend with the current. Might be a way for Michael Phelps to continue competing into his thirties...
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Art
I kid you not. From 1912 to 1948, the Olympics included competitions in the artistic categories of architecture, literature, music, painting, and sculpture. In fact, the "father of the Modern Olympic movement," Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the International Olympic Committee, won a gold medal in literature for his poem "Ode Au Sport" in 1912. I know what you're thinking: they gave it to him because he was the boss. Actually, he submitted the entry under a pseudonym. Of course, when he won, he had to present the gold medal to himself. Scandalous!
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Plunge for Distance
When we were kids, we used to call this "Dead Man's Float." You know, you dive in the pool and then see how far you can travel underwater without using your hands or feet to help propel your body. The one who gets the farthest before his head surfaces wins. This event was only held once at the Olympics, in Paris 1904. I wonder why...
(Photo courtesy of Missouri History Museum)
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Tug-of-War
(Not to be confused with T.E.G.W.A.R., the notorious card game from Mark Harris' novel Bang The Drum Slowly)
Yes, another children's game was a sanctioned Olympic Summer Games event from 1900 through 1920. Tug-of-war was part of the track & field events. Perhaps it was included as an homage to the Ancient Olympics of Greece, where it was a highly anticipated contest. In the modern Olympics, the tug-of-war event pitted two teams of eight contestants. In order to be victorious, one team had to pull the other six feet in order to win. If after 5 minutes no team had achieved this, the team which had pulled the greatest distance was declared the winner.
You can read more about about discontinued and obscure Olympic sports here, here and here, if you have an inquiring mind.
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London Olympic Stadium 2012 (Courtesy: CNN.com)

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Intern George, on the ground in London, reports that the London 2012 Oympics have added a third mascot, who joins the original one-eyed twins, Wenlock and Mandeville. Mike Wazowski, co-star of the film Monsters Inc., has reportedly been brushing up on his British accent for the event.
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A deal is in the works for the three to star in a Spanish remake of The Three Amigos, titled El Tres Ojos.

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